I’ve been uninspired for the past few weeks. I can see it in my daily habits. I’ve been unsure of what to say here on this blog. I’ve bounced around from writing about vulnerability, self-care, being secure, generational trauma, and more. All the things that I desperately want to share my experiences with yet, can’t quite get the thoughts out in a satisfactory way. I ended up settling on worthiness. However, when I got to typing, the words still weren’t feeling quite right. I can’t seem to get my tone right, I get lost going on a tangent and lose the plot. So, I’m trying something different.

This post is meant to be about worthiness but I’m choosing to let my mind speak what it feels, freely and unfiltered. We’ll see if it gets there. I’m not sure what journey I’m about to take us on so I will be buckling up with you. Here we go.

Normally this would worry me. I have a pattern here. I get this brilliant idea and a burst of energy that allows me to propel the idea forward into something tangible, only, for something within me to bring it all to a halt. I’ll suddenly grow uninspired. Suddenly I’m too exhausted to do the things required to see the vision through. I begin to become very laxed. I begin pushing the project off day by day waiting for the excitement to fuel me once again. Only in my history, it doesn’t. I leave the project unfinished and quickly move on with an “oh well”. I notice I’m doing it now, er, at least noticing the beginning stages of that pattern. I’m normally excited to write out my knowing’s. I’ll stay up late and wake up early for them. I’m normally looking at my blog daily either in awe of what I’ve created or to get guidance from my own knowing’s. This subtle shift speaks volumes.

I say “Normally this would worry me” because I’ve chosen to not allow the pattern to repeat. If this was something I did not enjoy then sure, fuck it, but that isn’t the case here. This blog brings me far too much joy and has proven to add much value to my life. It feels right, natural, and just in my nature to share. I often look back at them myself as a reminder that everything is okay. And so, here I am, uninspired and just sharing my thoughts about it, apparently.

Dare I say this uninspired sharing is inspiring me. I feel a spark of that excitement that’s been attempting to fade into the background. As I type this, I’m feel a lifting of the pressure I placed on myself of having only these profound thoughts to share; thoughts that I deem valuable to the collective. I’ve questioned if I was worthy of this platform at all (look at worthiness showing up to the party). As I’m writing this, I’m remembering I’m human and I get the privilege of being imperfect which is something I forget for myself from time to time and that yes, I am worthy of sharing my experiences. It’s okay to just talk sometimes without there being a lesson and a how-to. I can just be.

My gnawing desire for perfection causes me to set these expectations for myself that I find difficult to live up to. Perfectionism is a sneaky little desire of mine. I’ve been doing great relinquishing the expectation. However, as I’m having this particular experience, I’m noticing how it plays out when I’m working on projects. I’ll have an idea, set the expectation for what the end result will look like, aim to live up to it, inevitably fall short because the process is never perfect, deem myself as unworthy of continuing with the vision, and drop it all together. But what if in the midst of feeling like I’m falling short of my own expectations, I don’t fight it. I don’t burn myself out trying to push forward with a plan that requires flexibility, and I don’t give up either, but instead, do what I’m doing now. Show up in the ways that I can. I’m uninspired but that is not a sign to bring everything to a halt. I have a fear that if I’m uninspired the work will not be lackluster. But inspiration can be fleeting and waiting on it is unsustainable.

I attempted to pigeonhold myself yet again, with only having profound thoughts (which was never even my original intention here). Releasing myself from it feels freeing and broadening. I feel open for wider option of additional inspiring topics to emerge even if it’s just me rambling like I am right now. I can feel my mind opening up to more possibilities as I release rigidity.

I have much to say on worthiness. Feeling unworthy of my own expectations is one major way it plays a role in my life so I think this is a perfectly fine start to that topic. I plan to have a full article dedicated to it sometime in the near future. It’ll be good I promise.

For now, this is what I have to give and I will continue to give rather inspiration is present or not. I am giving myself grace, acceptance, and love as this energy moves through me. Please give them to yourself and if you need permission to do so, you have mine. As always, I love you.

-Tales of a Nobody.