I’ve been caught. Busted! I’ve done it again. I’ve been on a slow and steady decline to losing myself. To forgetting who I am and what makes me happy.
I’ve consistently been in a slump lately. I’ve been unmotivated, moving towards spiritual numbness, growing less and less certain in my decisions, wanting to stay in my bed all morning and all night. My meals have been out of convenience vs. care and nutrients. I’ve stopped dedicating time to my embodiment practices. That zest I’ve dedicated myself to acquiring has been slowly fading away, and I’m feeling all but depleted. How did I get here? It was through sacrifice.
To be clear, everything is a sacrifice. We are always presented with decisions and have to choose one thing over the other. The key to making decisions is to choose the thing that brings you the most joy, value, or benefit. To know what is bringing you personal joy, value, or benefit, you need to know yourself.
I’ve gotten caught up in the persistent habit of mine of sacrificing myself in the decision-making process. It happens in ways that are so subtle that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It’s deciding to spend time with others instead of soaking in a bubble bath. It’s obsessively working on a project rather than pulling out the yoga mat every now and then. It’s choosing to sit on the phone for hours (multiple days out of the week) when my free time already feels thin, instead of going to bed at a decent time or meditating. It’s eating noodles for dinner because time flew by and I wanted to focus on a project, and cooking, driving somewhere, or a Doordash fee to eat something with nutrients just wasn’t high enough priority in comparison.
Each of these decisions seems harmless and minuscule in the moment, only, each time I opted not to cater to myself, it accumulated into a habit, and me now feeling disconnected from myself. Placing me back into a place of confusion, passive living, and uncertainty. I look around me and I see the decline in my mental health along with little to no embodiment practices or daily routine to keep me connected with myself. I was bound to get lost.
I cannot stress this enough. Getting lost is just as beautiful as being on our paths, and it’s an inevitable outcome. There is so much to learn from straying away from the path. It makes being on the path even sweeter and harder to stray away from the next time. We will always find our way back to our paths.
Lately my weeks, been looking like working, listening to books and podcasts as I work, working on my passion project (this blog), Thinking about what’s next for me in life (only the thoughts stem from fears of being stagnant), spending time with my boyfriend, spending time with family, chatting on the phone for hours, attempting to keep up with the news, scrolling through YouTube, and lounging binge-watching TV. I even listen to a book or podcast as I’m showering and tending to my home. I occasionally go on a hike and sit in nature, I occasionally journal, and I remembered to focus on my breathing, but I was seldom in stillness, truly connecting with myself. I was either working, in connection with someone, having panic thoughts about not living up to expectations, or excessively consuming unnecessary information. I’m burnt the fuck out.
Personal Opinion Side Tangent: Binge watching TV on as the only means of relaxing is not at all replenishing. It’s cheap, it costs little effort, it’s easy, it’s lifeless, draining even, it’s demanding of attention. For about a month straight, I skipped out on getting an adequate amount of sleep, binge-watching TV. It’s what I replaced all of my practices with. I lost the plot big time. Placing my attention there kept me from being in tune with my mind, body, and spirit.
Prior to my attention being so heavily focused on externalities, my daily/weekly rituals consisted of some kind of embodiment practice, whether it be meditation, yoga, or both. I spent however long I needed balancing my chakras and understanding myself. I focused on nutritious meals that would give me energy and nourish my mind and body. I savored moments with myself. I spent a good amount of time in nature listening to the elements, observing, and playing (Yes, playing. Adults should still be playing). I’d attend some sort of class usually once a week. I sensually danced around my apartment. I took salt baths at least once a week. I spent time naked, embracing and loving my body. I was doing yoni massage practices. I consumed media and shows when I felt called to, but more often than not preferred sitting in silence. I’d play with my cat, trying to keep his quality of life feeling good as well. I was in communication with myself. I knew what my spirit needed at any given moment. If I felt off, I knew to take a pause and listen and learn. I felt assured. I felt magical. I knew who I was and where I was going, and I was having fun with the process. I recognized opportunities when they arose. I was working in tandem with the universe.
There’s a big as fucking difference from then and now. Those are two drastically different ways of living. I’ve been caught slipping big time. But why? Why sacrifice myself in the decision-making? The answer to that one is love.
I have the tendency to abandon myself for it, as if love requires a sacrifice. Past experiences have proven that sacrifices are actually the surest way to kill it. When I don’t take the time to love on myself, I lose that connection and trust I built with myself. I begin making decisions that would most please others in the long run, and less about myself. I lose the love I hold for myself, and I have a hard time actually giving or receiving it from others. I become needy, resentful, judgmental, and defensive. This is how love is killed when I sacrifice myself for it.
I give myself so much grace here. It’s okay to get lost. I’m happy I did because my oh my has this been a perception shock. This particular pattern happens to be instinctual. It’s how I’ve learned to “love” over the years. So, I understand why it’s so easy for me to give in to this way of thinking. I hold empathy and compassion for myself as I work towards recreating the love and trust I’ve found in myself. And kudos to me for catching myself so quickly. I’ve spent most of my life sacrificing myself for love. I moved away from doing so, and this time it only took a few months to realize I was slipping into the habit again.
I will slowly add pieces of my routine back into my daily/weekly life so I am not shocking myself with a complete reroute. This will feel much more natural and less forced. It’s important to have points in the day where we come back to ourselves, check in, care for, and give ourselves attention. Being selfish is a selfless act.
-Tales of a Nobody
One response to “Caught Slipping”
I need to try this. I give so much of myself to others I have no time up love on myself.
I’ve accomplished my goal of some weight loss. Shocking because my lifestyle screams sedentary in nature. You’d think I’d have a weight gain instead of loss. Anyhow, I need to tone, but by the time I get off work on so mentally and physically tired, I crash. I’ll try babysitters because I know I can get my goal accomplished. This was very motivational. Thank you.