You may have heard of this BIG, SCARY, EVIL thing known as “attachment” [mwah-haha]. Spiritual beliefs vary from one spiritualist to the next. Our practices and beliefs are very much personal BUT there are a quite a few things we can come to agreement on, and one of them is that attachments are best unformed. Before you suck your teeth and roll your eyes, hear me out.
After months of wanting to share my journey with worthiness, I could not figure out how to get my experience out into words. I gave myself grace and understanding that I was simply not prepared to have the conversation and opted not to force it. Since I’ve caught myself slipping (you’ll know what that means if you read the prior post), I noticed how disconnected I’ve been from myself and began committing to my practices again. In meditation, I had a clear knowing, and I am now ready to share my experience. Is it a coincidence that I needed to reconnect with myself to have this discussion? I think not.
Attachment is not the star of the show here, but it’s the best way I can explain my worthiness journey. It’s tricky energy. It’s quite easy to form an attachment even though it does not benefit us to do so. The energy is always beckoning us to give in to it (certainly me). Whether we do or not boils down to self-worth in the end.
Now, what is attachment in the sense I’m referring to it? It’s holding a strong emotional link between you and an idea, person, thing, feeling, image, outcome, situation, or way of being. An emotional link so strong that it makes you feel as if, if you don’t have this thing, this person, this feeling, this WHATEVER, in this particular way or at by a particular time, you are not valuable. It makes us feel like we need to change to fit this ever-changing mold, OR that we can’t allow ourselves and sometimes others to change and outgrow the mold. It makes you feel like you need to be something more, rather than just being and enjoying. It’s a chaotic fucking energy and I know it quite well. Possibly you do too?
What is worthiness in the sense I’m referring to it? It’s feeling secure and deserving of. Deserving of love, support, safety, security, care, comfort, respect, praise, generosity, space, being heard, being seen, grace, of evolving, of decency, of kindness, of nurturing, of creating, of success, of openness, of honesty. We are all innately worthy, and yet there are times I don’t feel that for myself. I don’t imagine any of us are feeling it all the time. I have some thoughts on why. I’ve assessed when I both feel worthy and not, and I want to share. Maybe it will also help you to understand what that feels like for you.
Let’s shed some light on this bitch! But first, brb, I need to take a self-care break so I don’t begin the slow process of losing myself again. It starts off with me taking time away from one thing to do something I love like writing, only for that something I love to take over and next thing you know I look around and months flew by and I’ve maybe gained unnecessary weight, maybe accumulated some acne, I’ve not taken care of myself and I’m burnt out and not even doing that thing I loved in the first place. So…. long story short, let me go and do that, and you do the same if you haven’t already.
Okay, back! And yes, I did actually take a self-care break. I needed to shower, wash my face, brush my teeth, clean my cat’s litter, feed him treats, refill my Brita, and load my dishwasher. All the things that keep me feeling my best and functioning smoothly.
Now, back to the regular scheduled program.
Attachment, attachment, attachment. You tell me what you think. I think you can have passion, you can show care, love, and interests without being attached to whatever. I ask this because I don’t know if I want to say attachments are just flat out negative and we should avoid them at all cost just because it’s never served me personally (and I do mean never). I can’t recall a single time I’ve been attached to something and it went well for me. But as with all things, there is a favorable and unfavorable side. Perhaps I just don’t know the favorable side of attachment (though I can’t imagine one). I think you can love, feel, enjoy, grow, be motivated, and care without the controlling and spiraling holding attachments causes. Again, you tell me what you think.
Holding an attachment can create volatile outcomes. The things we hold attachments to are usually things that we’ve been told will make us worthy, or we’ve seen make others feel worthy. Someone may have expressed fulfillment through the possession of something or it’s been advertised that way at least. Wanting to feel that fulfillment ourselves, many times find we are striving for that thing too (in our own unique way, of course) not questioning if the thing we are striving for is what our souls are actually wanting to obtain. Perhaps it truly was fulfilling to that someone because it was in alignment with them, but more often than not, it’s things that other people who felt unworthy felt they needed to possess to feel worthy. Accomplishing things and acquiring the things you strive for, and that effort paying off, feels good. It should be done if it feels right for you. But if it feels like you are nothing if you do not live up to the accomplishment, we are not doing well and need to reassess. I wonder how many of us are doing to feel accepted vs. it being something that truly feels right for us? How many of us feel we need to obtain something to be acceptable?
We’re like little herded sheep, only instead of being led by the shepherd (Source; our spirits) we’re led by other lost sheep who are just walking in circles following another lost sheep.
The variables in the things we hold attachments to are constantly changing. It makes it hard to grab hold of the feeling and keep hold of it. Some of us find ourselves constantly chasing, trying to keep up with the changing variables. Willing to do just about anything or accept anything to grasp that feeling of worthiness. In reality, chasing and trying to keep up is just breaking down our self-worth further and further. We even convince ourselves it’s productive and admirable to try to keep up. Being willing to abandon or not even listen to what our soul actually wants out of this life. Some of us try to control the variables through manipulation, making not only our lives but the lives of everyone around us miserable.
Chase and control. That is the name of the game with attachment. All while never giving yourself a break from it all to determine if the thing we’re chasing or controlling even aligns with us. SPOILER ALERT: If it aligned with us, we wouldn’t need to chase or control it. Creating attachments prevents us from learning about ourselves. It keeps us focused on the thing we think we need to be accepted by others. What we really need is undistracted time with ourselves to learn who we are and what is and isn’t feeling good for us to cultivate acceptance for ourselves.
If you feel too close to something, it will crush you if it does not work out exactly as you imagined it or if you feel you or the people around you have to behave in a very particular way to receive praise and acceptance from others to feel worthy then perhaps it’s something we need to take a break from. Take some time for yourself to see what is actually happening within you.
Speaking for me personally, I have quite a few things I’ve attached my worth to. It’s been my appearance, it’s been my financial situation, it’s been my intellect, it’s been the way I speak (annunciation, speaking fluidly, not using “um”, and so on), it’s been my ability to be low maintenance, it’s been my ability to hold conversations, it’s been the level of engagement I’m given from others, it’s been, it’s been, it’s been. What it’s actually been is exhausting, anxiety-inducing, and thankless.
Having attachments to not one, not two, but to multiple external things is weakening. It’s made me so susceptible to so much bullshit. I can make myself vulnerable to so much and not in the ways that I yearn to be vulnerable, but instead in ways that make me feel small, and exposed like I’m wearing my organs outside of my skin, constantly susceptible of being punctured or infected. It’s a lot to keep up with nurturing and tending to all these attachments. I can find I’m expecting others to tend to them as well and it can be upsetting when they aren’t. I wasn’t giving myself room to be. I wasn’t giving that space to others either. I wasn’t taking the time to learn myself. If even one of my attachments were to be poked at (intentionally or otherwise), oh baby, I’m down bad. I’m just wide open to being at the mercy of this imaginary thing I’ve been taught I should be aspiring to be; otherwise, I would not be fit to take up space in the world.
Worthiness has been a big struggle for me. I’ve learned through practice not to give in, but I’m still in the early stages, where if I am not consciously choosing not to give in, I could easily revert. Remembering that these things I’m holding attachments to are things I’ve been and am actively being wired to place value in is not only coming at me from a mass societal scale but also has been reinforced in my smaller community who are also wired to hold value on these external things. I can easily get caught up. That is why taking time to be with myself, in reflection, in my body, not taking in any content, is something I have to do to keep track of what desires are from my soul and what is from repetitive, possibly subliminal, and sometimes overt messaging that tells me what I need to care about and I should want. Otherwise, I get sucked in, caught slipping, and I’m back in the anxiety inducing, thankless, exhausting, unattainable race trying to attain this elusive, unstable we call acceptance and motivation.
I say fuck attachments. I want nothing to do with it. I can’t imagine you could convince me that there is good in it. One could argue that having an attachment to something favorable, like love, freedom, and evolution, could be the positive side of it. And while that would be the more favorable way to do it if you’re going to do it, I still see it creating problems when those variables aren’t doing what we desire them to. It makes it hard to give ourselves grace, compassion, and understanding even still. I just don’t see it for attachment. I’m sorry.
What do I specifically do when I feel a desire to attach?
I back away from it. I give myself space from it or the idea of it. I spend time in my own energy. I don’t consume content of people having the thing I’m in the midst of working to detach from. If I am still consuming content, I consume something in a different genre. I sit with the discomfort of wanting the thing I don’t feel I possess. I question what the feeling of having the thing will bring me and why. I question what I am seeking in having the thing. I ask if I can give that thing to myself. Am I looking for validation, appreciation, acceptance, fun, orgasms, intimacy, nurturing, a good meal, belonging, peace, love, etc., etc.? Can I give that thing to myself? If my answer is ever no, that I can’t and I need it (not want but need it) from something externally, then ou baby, I need to sit with myself longer and dig deeper. That could require therapy to help support me. I personally believe it’s not acceptable to hold so much of my value on something outside of me. The second I realize I’m doing it, I’m taking a step back ALWAYS.
Taking time to connect inward with myself gives me clear directions. I don’t always see my distant future, but I know what feels right for me in the now moments and information for the short-term future (maybe just a few days ahead) that will feel right for my soul’s journey. As I go inwards more and mor,e I get more and more bricks laid in front of my feet to follow. I have a clearer understanding of myself and what it is I actually want to feel, create, and how I want to show up. I feel my most whole when my guidance is coming from within. I can show up in the world confidently and secure as a result. I’m much more accepting of the ebbs and flow of life and understanding of the impermanence of things and find joy death and rebirth of transitions.
Things we truly want, dreams, relationships, require time, care, and dedication. It’s not likely to be an easy and smooth ride for anything that is worth it. Even a relationship with the self takes patience, dedication, time, focus, and energy. Naturally, it will be the same, extending towards things outside of us. Everything has a cost. Things require effort, vision, love, and enjoyment. If the journey with whatever you are journeying for/towards is unbearably hard, and unsatisfactory at almost every turn, but our worth is attached to this thing working out, so we refuse to let it go, then it’s not for us. We are barking up the wrong tree. That particular thing may be for someone, just not us, and that’s okay. Our things are elsewhere, and guess what? We innately know where to go if we just listen to our internal navigation system.
This has been something I’ve wanted to discuss for a long time, and I could go on and on, but I hope I made this clear, and I hope you got something out of it. I hope you walk away reading this understanding your worth, and when you aren’t feeling worthy, perhaps the reasons why, and the importance of caring for and connecting with yourself. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on attachments and worthiness and how it’s affected you. I look forward to your perspective.
As always, I’m sending you love, compassion, and grace. Give in to yourself a little if you aren’t already.
-Tales of a Nobody
