Are you attuned to the energies around you? Are you able to pick up on what others are feeling without them verbally expressing it? Do you find you work overtime to make people feel valuable? Do you happen to know what others need without them asking? Are you a fire putter outer? Are you 911-FIX-A-HOE?

If so, then like me, you have developed the gift of empathy.

As empaths we often feel the emotions of others so deeply it can feel as if they are our own. We may find ourselves helping others by being who they need us to be in a given moment, saying what they need to hear without asking, and suggesting the perfect activity for their mood. It feels so good to be able to soothe people in this way. It feels like a superpower. We feel needed.

If you’ve not read the Shrooms article I posted prior to this, I would suggest checking it out. This is an extension of that. On my psychedelic trip, I met myself, my highest self (no pun intended). I was free of trauma, all limiting identities, and self-imposed restrictions. In that article I posed the question, how could it be, at this stage in my life am I not that version of myself already? Just as quickly as the question was asked it was answered.

It’s largely due to the imbalance in my empatheticness (I may have just made that word up, but it feels right). That imbalance has caused me to spend my life people-pleasing. My hope in this article is to give you an idea of what that imbalance looks like. If it sounds like something you’ve been experiencing, then this hopefully snaps you out of it. Let’s get back to pleasing ourselves just as much (if not more) than we do others (that was not meant to be taken sexually but hey. I promise it’ll feel great in both scenarios).

Now, speaking for myself, I developed empathy as a coping mechanism. I’ve spent my childhood reading and learning people to predict how I should behave around them. I grew up with a very sensitive mother, I’ve lived with relatives for a while, and I’ve been publicly embarrassed before. Learning how to read the energy of those around me became a tool I used to help me stay… I don’t know… maybe out of the way, less of a burden, useful, pleasant to be around, less of a target. I didn’t realize how small I was making myself all that time.

People use empathy for a variety of reasons. I used it to make others feel comfortable, feel good about themselves, feel important, worthy, loved, heard, seen, and valuable, all the things I may not have been feeling. I didn’t know how or even that I could give those crucial things to myself, so I poured them into others.

As I poured, they’d feel good about themselves and I’d feel a secondhand wave of that warmth. If they weren’t feeling great, I would find myself feeling a little sour, too. Even if pouring into someone felt a little self-deprecating, I would tread those waters. I’d have so much love, awareness, wisdom, care, and presence to give, but I did not know how to give to myself. I’d feed into others and then feed off others through their comfort.

I’d find I’d often feel drained after spending a short period of time with people and would need a prolonged break before I could socialize again. In the cases where my pouring into others went into self-deprecating territory or if my being in one person’s energy in a group setting made another person’s energy dim, it could easily leave me feeling ashamed, and/or spiraling for days after, then, needing external validation to bring me back. Being an imbalanced empath has for sure made me an introvert.

If you weren’t sure what it means to “give your energy away” this is it. It’s placing your focus and using your intangible resources to pour into others. Which is a great thing to do. I love and value community. I love being there for others. I love pouring into the people I love, uplifting them, and letting them know I am by their side and want nothing but the best for them. It’s when we overpour, and neglect ourselves, our needs, and our feelings is when it becomes imbalanced.

This knowing has been freeing. Interactions are no longer draining, I feel renewed from them even. I consciously will show up in my authenticity, keeping track of what emotions are mine and not get sucked into anyone else’s. When I pick up on someone’s energy and if it’s off I make the conscious effort not to compensate for that. If it gets awkward I let it be awkward and let them find their way through. If I’m the one feeling awkward then I know I have something to look into and discover there. I now understand what it means to pour into myself, not to overpour into others, and to allow others to pour into me sometimes.

What I am about to say next actually made me laugh out loud. 

I used to believe I was just a giver, and most people were takers and that is why I was feeling drained [Cue the laughter]. Yeah, no! I simply just had no boundaries, and made myself very available to everyone, your girl needed love and acceptance but was looking for it externally. I was a over-giver even when it was not reciprocal. I thought having no boundaries would give me the things, and to a degree it did but nothing at all healthy or sustainable. Everything in life has a cost. I learned the price of overextending myself to compensate for what I felt someone needed left me needy. The way I was going about getting love and acceptance was doing some long-term harm.

In my interaction with shrooms, I saw myself in my bigness, I was whole and so full of myself with no need for validation or earthly desires. Knowing myself in that energy was quite the contrast to the overly empathetic self that I’ve come to be. It showed me that if I want to truly evolve and free myself of limitations, I cannot spend my days holding back my truths, holding back my uniqueness, my weirdness, not getting messy, and avoiding making mistakes or being wrong. I cannot continue to be overly concerned with how my authenticity will make someone else feel. I cannot continue to take accountability for the feelings of others. I mean, I can but the alternative to living a fun, messy, authentic life where I learn lessons and evolve, is to be small, stagnant, and drained. And absolutely not!

I’ve been saying yes to life, learning myself, and putting boundaries in place, and I will continue to do so. I will say what I feel called to when I feel called to say it. I will refrain from overcompensating for other’s energy especially if it will drain my own. I will be unapologetically joyful, playful, and optimistic. I will be sensual. I will be silly. I will be creative. It will be messy and is bound to rub some people the wrong way, and that’s okay. Sometimes I will be wrong, and I’ll learn through it; there is beauty in that. I will not laugh when someone is making me uncomfortable to make them feel comfortable. I will continue checking in with myself to see how I’m feeling. I will continue to shower myself with praise, love, and acceptance. I invite you to do the same. It will take practice, but I’m committed to the growth. I would not call this process “not giving a fuck” but rather giving more fucks about ourselves than all the other things we could give our fucks to.

Before I end this, I want to document one more reminder for us empaths. If no one has told you, it does a disservice to us as all when we are intruding and overcompensating for the energy of others. It stunts our growth when we don’t speak our truths and show up authentically and it stops that person from learning from whatever energy is present for them. Us overcompensating stunts their growth as well.

Catering to our own energy first, allows us to be in a healthy and balanced place where we can appropriately pour into others as needed without overdoing it.

I hope sharing this knowing was helpful to you as it was therapeutic for me to reflect on.  As always, please give yourself grace, space, and love. I’m giving it to you and if you need permission to give it to yourself you have mine. I am sending you an energetic hug.

-Tales of a Nobody.