Let’s see, Self-sabotage and I go waaay back. We have a long-standing, toxic, abusive, codependent relationship that dates back many years. Whenever I think I cut it off for good it comes right back around. Every time I believe I’m happy and moved on, here it comes taking up space in my energy. It just can’t seem to stay away for far too long. It’s held me from job opportunities, relationships of all kinds, and fulfillment. It wants me to be stagnant, alone, and forever unsatisfied. Just self-sabotage and I.
We often hear about self-sabotage but what does it actually look like? How do we know when we’re experiencing it and how can we stop it from happening?
I’ve not managed to cut it off completely, but I have reduced our interactions. I’ve become intimately familiar with its energy. I know when I’m being guided into its portal of dissatisfaction and have acquired some tools of recourse.
It shows up right when I’m within arm’s length of an opportunity that will bring me joy, stability, and abundance. It can be cunning in its methods too. It’s quite the manipulator. It waltzes right into my life and will convince me the opportunity I’m faced with will only bring me pain and disappointment and encourages me to stay right where I am. Where it’s safe, where everything is familiar and predictable.
Have you ever seen that filter where Jesus will show up behind you, intensely staring down at you, right when you’re about to crack a smile at something? Yeah, that’s how self-sabotage shows up in my life, only it’s an egoic version of myself. It pops in like, “uhn uhn uuuuhn. Now, now… do we really deserve that?”.
It disguises itself as fear which used to be crippling for me. So much so I would refrain from even envisioning myself fulfilled through an opportunity, let alone actually taking it. But why? Why when faced with the opportunity to advance to a place I longed to be, would I then dismiss the idea of doing so, even when it’s being handed to me on a silver platter? That my love, would be the doing of the subconscious. Even when our conscious mind recognizes opportunity, and it makes all sense to take it, our subconscious mind may not feel worthy of it and will blow that shit up right in our faces. Sometimes into dust, so we can’t even put the pieces back together.
When self-sabotage takes over, we start to behave in ways that make us feel comfortable and safe and those actions are working to keep us right where we are even when we hate our current circumstances. We don’t know what’s on the other side of the opportunity whether it be a relationship, a new position, or something else. “What if there is more pressure for me to perform than I can show up for.”, “I can’t live up to that!”, “I can’t be more than what I am.”, “I can’t do that.”, “I can’t go there.”, “I’m going to let everyone down.”, “I may as well save them time and energy.”, “I’m going to disappoint.”, “I’ll be disappointed.”, “I look ridiculous.”, “They’re going to turn me down anyway. Why bother.”, “They’re going to realize they made a mistake and that’ll sting. I’ll just stay here.”, “They’re going to see I’m a phony.”, “I’m going to get hurt.”, “I’m going to hurt them.”, “I don’t belong here.”, “I’ll never be able to live up to their expectations.”, “ABORT! ABORT!”.
When I’m having those kinds of thoughts, is when I know I’m at the precipice of a breakthrough. I’ve had enough experience with both holding myself back and going for it to know those thoughts are great indicators that I’m ready for something new.
The key to not self-sabotaging is… [drumroll please]… getting excited about life! Get excited about evolution and learning ourselves through having new experiences. It’s speaking kindness into ourselves and not getting frustrated with our ego. Letting our ego know we understand this is new, that it’s scared but we will be okay and we are safe.
Before this knowing, I would see a job position that I qualified for but would refuse to apply for it. I’d tell myself I wouldn’t get it, I couldn’t do it, that they would require too much of me and I’m not doing all that, or I won’t be capable of it. That self talk was not coming from a place of understanding, accepting, or loving myself myself, but from a place of fear of change. Once I stopped seeing that anxiety as a sign that I should not advance but instead as a sign that I’m about to step into uncharted territory and I’m simply scared, I was able to push through the fear and take the opportunities. I’d often learn none of what that energy wanted me to believe was true.
Before this knowing, I would stop relationships (whether friendship, family, or romantic) from evolving. I would convince myself that they would disappoint me or I them. That I was not capable of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I would tell myself I should just end it now before someone gets hurt. Question what they wanted from me and why they were there. I’d test them to see if they’d walk away and if they did, then I would have proven they couldn’t handle me (which would also make them an idiot in my eyes). Self-sabotage had me working overtime trying to prove to myself that I was not worthy of love or effort. Once I pushed through those anxious feelings and saw them for what they were, I began to be honest about what I believed about myself. I began to be kinder with myself and to those I hold relationships with. I’d began to communicate my feelings not only to myself better but also those around me. I found I was understood, given grace, and patience because they wanted to be there with me.
Before this knowing, I had terrible, tragic (so tragic), horror movie-worthy habits (it’s still a working progress). I was not mindful of the value of my resources (time, money, and energy). I gave them out so freely to whatever was going to appease whatever feeling I needed it to at that moment. I’d spend my resources shopping, only indulging in mind-numbing entertainment, not having discipline or follow through in the areas that would create stability, eating out too much, eating only processed low-nutrient foods, not paying off my debts, and more. I was not willing to see how any of those actions and/or inactions would affect me in the short or long term. I just wanted that momentary thrill. Spending my resources in that way (while fun at the time) was my subconscious holding me back from the stability I so craved. I’ve never had stability. I didn’t know what it even looked like. My ego could not fathom caring for myself in way that would bring that about.
I held myself back from meeting new people, having new explorations, putting myself in better positions in life, and learning. It’s really wild and I’d bet my resources you’ve experienced this to some capacity yourself.
Now, let’s say you try something new, and it doesn’t work out. That’s a fucking win! Hear me out. One thing I know for sure, without a doubt, is that you’ll never be the same from the moment you say “yes” to that opportunity. Saying “yes” is going to change you for the better. Pushing through the anxiety and saying “yes”, unlocks an upgraded version of you that you didn’t even realize was accessible. Just by saying “yes” you are opening the door to evolve your thinking of what is possible for yourself and in your perception of self.
Case and point. A job position became available at my place of employment that I would have never in a million years looked at as a viable option for me. I’d always say “I could never do that” when roles like it became available and I’d have a long list of reasons why. However, I felt like I was being nudged by my spirit team to apply for it this time. It was like this position became available just for me, so I applied for it. And baby, the mental roller coaster I went through before, during, and after applying should have been documented. I was so fucking scared. I just put in an application for this role I did not see myself worthy or capable of filling and I was actually being considered for it! WHAT THE FUCK!
As I waited to hear back, I was going through it. I was terrified of both getting AND not getting the role. I was stressing myself out so hard. I knew I could not go on like that much longer. I was going get wrinkles and the waiting process was taking quite a while. I would have aged myself 10 years in that short span of time. So, I said enough is enough and I took a look at the fears I had for both scenarios and I asked fear why it deemed its presence necessary. I learned it was my history of believing my voice was diminished and no one cared to hear what I had to say. I took on a belief that my voice and my thoughts held little value and were often wrong. I stopped seeing the value in my voice and in my mind. I’d gotten so comfortable with being quiet and fading into the background. Those experiences instilled fear in me. Taking on a role where my voice would matter was never an option for me until that moment.
Long story short, I did not get the position, it went to someone else. I was pissed with the Universe and my spirit team for a moment, I can’t lie. I was like how dare you guide me to this only to snatch it away when I’d begun to come around to the idea. But, after I got past that shock that I was not getting that position, I realized I had been blessed with the gift of a new perception of self. I grew so proud of myself for saying “yes” even when I was scared. I was so proud that I’d allowed myself to experience that growth. I rediscovered I have a voice and it’s a fucking good one and I’m working towards using it more often like with this blog.
And just imagine if everything goes well and works out. How euphoric would that feel! Through my experiences I learned the key to stop self-sabotaging is to be excited about life and love the process of learning. Being open to change even though it’s scary. It’s Understanding that past experiences are just that. PAST experiences. We do not need to internalize them. We can be mindful of them, but we do not need or want to hold them as truth.
So as always, give yourself grace! We have negative thoughts but guess what? They’re not true! You’re only scared of change. Have the negative thoughts if you must but do it fucking anyways. Enjoy the process of learning and evolving. It’s messy and things don’t always make sense in real time, but somehow that makes it more fun and very interesting.
Let’s get that restraining order against Self-Sabotage.
-Tales of a Nobody
