I went on a insane trip this past weekend. My self-perception has evolved as a result of it. There were twists and turns, ups and downs, darkness and light. It was chaotic, slightly scary, mind-blowing, eye-opening, euphoric, and just a beautiful journey. The destination was to myself.
This was not a literal trip but instead a trip on psychedelics (magic mushrooms). I consumed a small amount in tea form, that was sourced and prepared by a trusted and responsible party. I am a consenting adult and so is the other party. They remained present with me and held space for me throughout the entirety of the experience. I was in a healthy mindset before indulging and was in a safe and secure environment.
This article is to share what that experience was like for me and some of what I learned through it. I am in no way telling you, that you should try psychedelics. If you are interested, please do your own research to see if it could be for you. Probably should consult with a doctor which I am not. And please ensure you are in a safe and secure environment if you partake.
Okay, let’s recount this trip, shall we?
To start, I did not have any motives that led me to wanting to try psychedelics other than I’m spiritual and I like to do spiritual shit. All I knew going into this was that I was liable to be very honest, very vulnerable, that the trip would be about 6 hours or so, and that I would have difficulty falling asleep at the end of the night (which I did).
The tea tasted like just warm water. I drank 1 gram worth and slowly and steadily over the course of about 30-40 minutes I was feeling the full effects. I’m already quite a sensual person. I became even more so when the shrooms kicked in. I was definitely giving Queen Akasha from Queen of the Damned vibes, and I was comfortable in it. My ego had left the building.
On my trip, I met myself. Truly met my uncensored energy. It’s… intimidating… grand, sensual, compassionate, a little dark, a little twisted, all-knowing, and so, so Powerful. It was like I expanded into something beyond human. My energy was so humongous it could not be contained in the vessel of my body or on earth even. I left my body and became pure energy. I was one with the galaxy. I didn’t have a face or a body, but I had some kind of formation that was shaped like a upper body. Earth was so small in comparison that I could fit it in my mouth. I would have to really stretch my jaws, but it could fit.
As I was up there, I felt dissociated from humanity. I’d been untethered from any emotions and human desires. All the earthly material things I thought I wanted, and any validation I thought I needed just melted away into nothingness. I desired nothing, no one. I had a knowing that I am everything. I don’t have to chase after a thing. Not a career, not money, not a person, not a state of being, nothing. It was a deep knowing that I don’t have to be anything, I just am. All that aligns with my energy just comes to me. It’s a powerful feeling. I felt connected to my divinity.
In my divinity, I was so neutral. I held no fears, no doubts, no concerns, felt no obligations, and had no aspirations. I was comfortable and confident simply being. I felt whole. It felt right. Yet, it was a foreign and scary feeling to be so deeply comfortable in myself with little regard for anything else. I felt comfortable and secure in a power that I’ve not known to that capacity. I wondered what I’d be capable of even in that short moment. It felt like I could easily own the world.
As I was sitting there in that power, I simultaneously remembered I was with someone. I grew self-conscious that I was feeling so comfortable with power. I thought I’d scare that person while in that energy. I disconnected from it and shrunk back into humanity, to be present(ish). I came back into my vessel, and I reflected on the expansion. I had multiple epiphanies that night.
I saw myself as a Russian Doll set (stick with me). I, as I am, was like the baby in the set, and the outer layers covering the baby would be the expanded versions of me. That larger energy I connected with felt like it would be the final layer in the set. It’s the biggest. The layer would take up the most space, and be the most sturdy holding the evolution of me inside.
I had a knowing that I am that powerful, whole, energy already, only restricted by fears and concerns of how I’m being perceived and how I’m making others feel. I could see with each shedding of the restrictions like shame, judgment, insecurities, and guilt, I’d expand more and more into that energy.
After coming back into my vessel I explained where I’d went to the person I was with (horribly, if I may add), and they somehow managed to understand me. They assured me I had not scared them, and that they trusted me and felt safe with me. They encouraged me to step into that power more in my daily life (I thought I knew what it meant to step into my power up until this experience). I didn’t know how powerful I could get. And though (in theory), I don’t need anyone’s permission to embrace myself, that encouragement added an extra layer of comfort and support for me to do so. It stopped me from being scared of that energy. It made me feel comfortable with the idea of exploring my dominance, my twistedness, my darkness, my light, and the space I would take up. I opened my heart to myself and gave myself permission to grow and expand.
It’s been days and days since and I still feel the shift in energy that occurred that night. I feel like I’ve unlocked a new layer in my Russian Doll analogy. It’s like I made it to a new landmark in my beingness. I feel more confident and assured. I developed a deep knowing of myself beyond my physical self and beyond my layers of traumas. I’m fucking fabulous. I don’t think anyone could tell me anything right now.
Funny enough, a psychic once told me I was going to take a trip somewhere and I would meet someone that was going to have a profound effect on me and that I will forever be changed by it. I now wholeheartedly believe this was the trip and that I was meant to meet myself.
I wish I had a nicer, neater little package and bow to wrap this all up in, but… yeah.
Side note: I had the WORST and LONGEST headache the next day. It lasted most of the day. So, if you try shrooms be warned. Have lots of headache relief medication and water ready.
-Tales of a Nobody
One response to “Shrooms”
This has produced both a scary and safe understanding of what a shrooms experience may feel like. I love how you referenced it to the Russian doll analogy to put out into perspective! Thanks for sharing!! 💜